inkskinned:

if i had killed myself two summers ago, this message would be going to an empty inbox. that’s how recently it was. just two years. a blink of an eye. 

someone told me once i was the master of my own fate - that even if i was handed shit, it was up to me if i ate it or i grew flowers in it. 

i don’t know that advice ever settles deeply when your brain is trying to kill you. sure, she survived and she’s on the dean’s list and she’s got friends now and she’s getting happy but you’re not her. and your brain will tell you that therefore what worked for me won’t work for you.

but what worked for me was birds. i just counted birds. i told myself that the next day if i saw a bird it was going to be a good day. there are a lot of birds, even in winter. sometimes i still didn’t see one. that was a bad day, but tomorrow might have a bird in it. so i stayed.

i don’t know what will keep you. maybe it’s just a reflection in a puddle. seeing your friend laugh. but don’t just expect it. look for it. look for every excuse to exist. have you read pride and prejudice. have you watched stranger things. have you finished every video game in existence. i don’t know. there’s a lot of stuff i’m curious about. hopefully there’s stuff you’re still kind of interested in, even vaguely. and i hope it keeps you. 

i love you and i hope you survive. i’m proud of you. thank you for staying.